Java Joba Holds Down Day Job

How precarious things must be in the Bronx. Even the Second Coming (Joba The Mutt) has to hold down a second job at Dunkin' Donuts. And to think that lofty franchise started in Quincy, Mass. Shame on them! Here's hoping little Joba doesn't spill anything hot on that precious little pitching hand!

The Curse Of Michael Young

Unknown Red Sox Fan Here:

OK, maybe it's unfair to lay a whole thing like a formal curse on one guy. But Texas Ranger shortstop Michael Young has delivered two recent All-Star Game Victories for the Junior Circuit (2006, 2008). How could this possibly be a curse, you ask? I'll tell you how.

As you all know, an ASG win gets home-field advantage for the representative of the winning league in the World Series. This, as you also know, has resulted in two recent World Championships for the Carmine Hose (both in 4 game sweeps, both starting with the first two games at Fenway). Sure, Young's heroics were not technically in years the Sox won, but you get my drift.

The Curse, which Shank will begin writing a book about 10 seconds after he reads this, has prevented Sox fans from enjoying a championship celebration on our own field. Given the abysmal mediocrity of the National League, this could go on forever!

Imagine, decades of dancing on foreign fields after four-game sweeps. It just ain't fair. Thanks a lot, Michael Young!

Secret Pact Revealed!

Many of you were probably wondering how a second-rate franchise with a history of dismal failure could possibly be right on the heels of your beloved Olde Towne Team.

Well, the SOSW Investigate Unit (The dreaded "WHY" Team) has uncovered a dastardly plot by the owners of the Tampa Bay "Rays" that explains everything. As the accompanying undercover photo reveals, Raymond (the official team mascot) is seen hobnobbing with none other than Beelzebub himself, the Great Deceiver, the guy on the front of the canned ham can. You know who I mean.

Could it be any clearer? While outwardly "dropping" the Devil from their name, in reality they sold their collective soul to the self-same Lucifer. Their reward? A legitimate shot at the American League Eastern Division title.

Yup. Right out of the script of Damn Yankees (an otherwise fine play) that chronicled the quick rise of the similarly downtrodden Washington Senators of yesteryear.

So, beware, citizens of the Nation, that friendly sun-burned guy you're chatting with next time you're watching the Sox down in St. Pete, might just be no saint at all—but the real owner of the so-called Tampa Bay Rays!

MIke Sweeny Wins SOSW Award For June

Mike Sweeney of the Oakland A's has been awarded this month's SOSW "Head Screwed On Right" Award. After getting the bad news that he will need knee surgery, sidelining him for 4 to 6 week, the DH/First Baseman Sweeney stated:

"I'm too blessed to be stressed. Although it hurts my heart, I have to realize there is a purpose for this. I have to hurry back and be the best teammate that I can."

Why can't more professional athletes recognize this kind of simple truth? We're still looking for the 2008 Red Sox player who can win one of these.

Rockies In The Head

Unknown Sox Fan Here:

If you needed any further evidence that the World Series title was properly kept out of Colorado, here you go. A local Denver man, who has sponsored an "extra-terrestrial" ballot initiative in the Rocky Mountain state, will reveal a "video" on Friday of a "living, breathing space alien". That's right folks, apparently old Jeff Peckman has video evidence of a little 4-foot alien poking his head in a window and blinking.

Wow. I guess ET is a Peeping Tom! Who knew?

Just so you get the purpose of this little Scam-O-Rama presentation, Mr. Peckman is offering this "closed" screening to members of the media on Friday—but the public can't see it just yet for legal reasons. Yeah, right. Oh, and this is all in service of Jeff's ballot initiative to create an Extraterrestrial Affairs Commission in Denver. Why? That should be self-evident: "to prepare the city for close encounters of the alien kind" according to the Rocky Mountain News.

See? I told you the Red Sox are the proper World Champs. You wouldn't want the World Series trophy in the company of these nuts, would you?

New Video Shows Manny Multi-Tasking

A newly obtained video of the now-famous Manny Ramirez "High-Five" catch has revealed that the future Hall-of-Famer did several other things on his epic journey up the Camden Yards left field wall.

A slowed down, frame-by-frame analysis of the amateur video shows that in addition to high-fiving a Red Sox fan, Manny also blew out a candle on the birthday cake of a 100-year old Oriole fans in the first row, took a quick bite of an Eskay Oriole frank being held by a youngster, and filled out the IRS Short Form 1040 for a Sox fan whose quarterly tax filing was due that day. All this while suspended in mid-air (Jackie Chan-like) before doubling off the runner at first via Dustin Pedroia's cut-off.

The fan who took the video (known only by the initials "A.Z." to protect his anonymity) traveled from Dallas with his family to see the Sox.

Manny refused comment, but his ex-teammate who hit the ball to deep left, Kevin Millar, stated, "Yeah, I'm not surprised. The dude once shaved my head in '04 while taking BP in the cages underneath Fenway. Power of Sox Nation, man, what can I say?"

Damn! Dale Arnold Wasn't Half Bad

The Unknown Red Sox Fan Here. I really hate to say this, folks, but Dale Arnold was not all that bad in his two Sox broadcasts from Japan.

I wanted to hate him. Didn't you? But, in all honesty, he was fairly smooth in his play-by-play, didn't make any embarrassing gaffes, and was light years more listenable than Glen Geffner.

Aside from falling into repetitive ruts ("that brings Big Papi to the plate"; "that brings Manny to the plate"; "that brings Brandon Moss to the plate"; ad infinitum), he was actually fairly witty and somewhat more lively that Joe "Valdamir was signed by the Montreal Expos as an amateur free agent in 1993" Castiglione.

So, damn, I have to give the big guy credit. Don't you just hate that?